Ian Philpot

In my last post, I admitted to not having written much recently. Since that post, I’ve written a lot. The ideas have been pouring in. Particularly on a new character. So, today, I would like you to meet Alan Staph.

Well, you can’t really meet him. It’s not because he’s made up. For a small fee (or maybe if I was caught up in the moment at a party), I would be more than happy to act out the actions and mannerisms of any of my characters. I guess I could do the same for Alan, but it might be considered rude and disrespectful.

You see, Alan is dead.

Yes. I’m writing about a dead guy.

Now you may be a little confused (or you’re not confused at all because you’ve come to expect strange things from me), so I will answer a few questions about Alan.

Why is he dead? I had an idea when I was writing my first story about him—before he even had a name. The idea was for a collection of stories about him. The collection is titled Short Stories from the Short Life of Alan Staph. When that idea came to me, I had no choice but to make sure he was dead. And since I was writing about his life when the idea arrived and I realized Alan was already dead, I created a paradox. Alan is only dead because I was writing about his life and had an idea. He has to be dead to fulfill his destiny.

How did Alan die? Very unfortunately. It’s also very unfortunate that I don’t how he died yet. I thought about contacting the morgue to get the official cause of death, but I’m hoping I’ll find out what happened to him when I get a hold of his mother’s eulogy. (Hint, hint.)

What was Alan’s life like? Just like for most of us, Alan’s life was fairly boring. I’ve decided to write about some of the more interesting parts of his life, though the banal will undoubtedly seep in. Alan, like everyone else, will have a sleepless night where he’s stuck watching an infomercial about the world’s best food processor that can be his for three easy payments of $19.95. And he’ll buy it. And he’ll never use it. And he will hate himself a little bit for it.

When can I expect to get a hold of Short Stories from the Short Life of Alan Staph? Not soon enough, but I’m working on it.